Taxi Mark's Smere Observations

10 lies that Men tell to Women

2010-02-22T07:54:00.001-07:00

I didn’t forget our anniversary, honey. I was going to take you out to dinner, but I wanted to surprise you by doing it a day late.
I think your mother’s advice is definitely worth listening to, and I always pay attention when she’s talking.
Joe asked a few of the guys to help him with that project in his basement. I may be home late, and I may smell like cigar smoke, because Joe always smokes a cigar when he’s working.
The only reason I was looking at that girl in the bikini is that I was feeling sorry for her because she’s way too top heavy.
It’s important for me to get the sports channels with our cable package because my boss likes to talk about sports, and it’s good for my career if I can talk to him about the latest games.
I would love to move the furniture so you can rearrange our living room for the tenth time in the last six months, but my back is acting up again.
I’m happy to do the laundry once in awhile, but you know how I always shrink your clothes.
I would love to go to dinner with your friend Denise and listen to her talk about her relationship problems for three hours, but I really should stay home and work on our income taxes.
I know you’d like to throw away my TV chair, the overstuffed one with the duct tape on it, but it was my grandfather’s chair and he made me promise on his deathbed that I would never throw it out.
No, I’ve never noticed how tight your friend’s pants are. You know me, I never notice if women are wearing pants that are so tight you could read the numbers off a dime in their back pocket.

One liners

2010-02-19T07:51:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm [name], how do you like me so far?
Hi, my name is [name], but you can call me lover.
Can you catch? because I think I'm falling in love with you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other girls look really bad.
I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
Are you sure you're wearing make-up?
Are you accepting applications for your fan club?

Irene Cara - The Dream

2010-02-18T03:40:00.001-07:00

I've been chasing dreams for so long
Just one step behind and then they're gone
Illusions of love would come and go
I guess you have to hurt before you grow
And everybody knows
Never let go of the, never let go of the dream
I always seem to lose what I thought was mine
And many times I tried to leave it behind
Deep inside, hope was still alive
Deep inside, dreams will never die
That is why we're movin' closer to the truth
It's really great for me to be here
I've won over the pain and the fear
It's been so very hard through the years
Been looking through a rainbow of tears
And still I never really let go of the dream
Sometimes I saw my life just falling apart
And all the rejection tearing at my heart
Deep inside, hope was still alive
Deep inside, dreams will never die
If you try there'll be so much more for you
It's really great for me to be here
I've won over the pain and the fear
It's been so very hard through the years
Been looking through a rainbow of tears
And still I never really let go of the dream
We can all be free, we hold the key
If we can see what we wanna be
Life's never easy, you get no guarantees
Why not give your all and see what you can find?

Tucson Yelp

2010-02-17T03:19:00.000-07:00

Great website with reviews of everything in different cities.

Tucson YELP

The aweful truth about Oranges

2010-02-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

The truth about oranges that so few talk about while admiring their pretty color, is quite simply, that they are very risky as a fruit.

They're not the consistent, rock solid and dependable choice of a fruit like bananas or grapes. I've just never been let down by a banana or grape.

With oranges, each one usually tastes different. It's a gamble. We rarely talk about this problem as a society. We just look right past it as if it doesn't exist.

You always pick one up thinking "hmm... an orange sounds good" but only because you remember the better oranges you've had... then you peel it, take that bite and think "Fuck, what is this nasty, bitter shit that i just put into my mouth".

Then you'll often turn around and look at all your pretty little oranges and immediately think "aren't those things pretty... i bet they taste wonderful. looks at those colors. wow. surely that last one was a fluke" and you peel another one and you get the same god damned thing.

You're always left thinking "i can't believe i always fall for this shit.... which reminds me, i'm almost out of oranges"

damn you oranges

damn you

Midnight Run HD Trailer (1988)

2010-02-15T07:16:00.001-07:00

These Are the Days of Our Lives-Queen

2010-02-14T03:49:00.000-07:00

Love Sucks Quotes - Sometimes Love Sucks

2010-02-13T09:10:00.001-07:00

Love sucks. Sometimes it feels good.Sometimes it's just another way to bleed.

Laurell K Hamilton

I never thought it was humanly possible,but this both sucks and blows.

~ Bart Simpson

Growing up sucks. Not all kisses are magic, and mostboys do not live up to your expectations, but there arethose times when everything, I mean ... love, romance,relationships ... all seem to fall together perfectly.

~ Unknown

80s Music Videos - Number One Hits

2010-02-12T07:14:00.000-07:00

Texts from last night

2010-02-11T08:42:00.001-07:00

(520): Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

520): just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF

520): There was a lot of him and a little penis

TFLN

Satanic Sexual Ritual

2010-02-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

Looking for a woman with evil appetites.
We will have nasty, evil, sweaty, probably illegal sexual encounters in order to bring about the rise of Lucifer. (ie Satan)
Must be willing to do all styles of sexual positions, except Missionary. That is the Lord's Way, and we will have none of that. Besides, if we do it Missionary, Satan gets angry and a kitten dies. I like kittens.

Must be into anal. For that is Satan's Alley. Must like blow jobs (Swallowing Lucifer's Gravy) and Hand Jobs (Milking the Evil Goat)
Must be into slight S&M (Safe word: Pink Sock)
Must be into erotic and evil costumes and lingerie. Leather Thongs, spikes, boots, black and evil bras that accentuate your bosom, Boba Fett costumes.
Must be willing to deep throat. (So that my satanic appendage will be closer to your black soul)
Must be into strap-ons so that I may feel the "Power of Beezlebub" coursing thru my lower intestines.

The perfect encounter will be this:

Meeting you at one of our local eatery's. Plying you with ample alcoholic libations. Enjoying a nice piece of animal flesh. Tipping the waiter only 10% instead of 15 to 20% (Because we are EVIL!) Taking you back to my lair. Removing your Gothic Garb, laying you roughly upon my "Sacrifice Altar" (Twin size futon), and promptly begin to nibble on your Satanic Slit. (Please shave before the ritual, as it's hard to be evil when you got pubes stuck in your fillings) Whence you are all moist with the Power of The Dark Lord's Juices, I will remove my cape and trousers and proceed to fill you with the Sceptre of His Infernal Majesty. You will writhe in pleasure so deep, it will call forth the Evil One himself! After 4 to 7 minutes of the most intense sexual experience of your God Fearing life, we will perform a Satanic Snuggle, until you gently fall asleep in my powerful arms.

If this taps into the Primordial Jelly you have buried deep down in your Dark Soul, then contact me and we will make beautiful, agonizing "love" together. We will combine our desires and perform rituals so evil, it will awaken the Evil Ancient One from His Firey Nap! He will spill forth from the Bowels of Hell like so much premature Satanic Ejaculate!!

Hails to the Evil One!!

Excalibur Trailer (1981)

2010-02-09T03:11:00.000-07:00

Seinfeld quotes

2010-02-08T08:38:00.002-07:00

George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

Elaine: All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour.
Jerry: You're serious?
Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry: Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.

Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.

George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George Costanza: Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?

To my cockroach ex-wife

2010-02-07T07:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Whore of Lucifer:

I have recently enrolled in a 12-step program for people whose lives were decimated and finances ruined by lawyer bills when their spouses filed for divorce after finding someone else to fuck and run off with. I am currently up to Step 8: Willingness to Make Amends. As such, I apologize for the following recent transgressions:

Told the drunk at the bar who wanted a Red-Headed Slut that he's more than welcome to you if that general contractor douchebag is done with you.

Annoyed the staff at several hospitals by calling to see if they had any fresh organ donors on hand with a heart suitable to replace your cold, dead one.

Demanded a refund from Southwest Airlines because I tried to get you on one of their planes but they refused to let my bag fly free as advertised in their TV commercials.

Scrawled your cell number in the stall of the john of the bar at the American Legion post down the street with an offer of free prostate exams for all veterans 65 and older.

Told my neighborhood U.S. Marine Corps recruiter that I knew the exact location of the dank, hopeless cave Osama Bin Laden was hiding in and provided the GPS coordinates to your pants.

Lit several offering candles at your church with prayers that karma would hurry its ass up and come around to you while I was still alive to see it.

For these things, my dear handmaiden of Satan, I make my amends. I'd still love to see your head squeezed in a vice until your eyeballs squirt out of their sockets, but I have to go along with the program.

Star Wars VS Star Trek

2010-02-06T07:02:00.001-07:00

One week diet

2010-02-05T00:19:00.000-07:00

Einstein Quotes

2010-02-04T09:12:00.000-07:00

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.

Every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.

Imagination is more important than knowledge...

Laws alone can not secure freedom of expression; in order that every man present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Evolution of Dance

2010-02-03T02:36:00.000-07:00

Lawyer Joke

2010-02-02T02:52:00.001-07:00

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Stevie Starr Human Reguritator

2010-02-01T02:28:00.000-07:00

Diary of a Vasectomy

2010-01-31T02:48:00.000-07:00

So I decided to get a vasectomy. Thirty something and several kids, it was time.

Going in, the main comment I got from friends who had had one is that it hurts more than the doctor lets on in the pre-op consultation. Not the most comforting thought.

Day of Surgery (Doc's exam room, not hospital)
So I'm in the room waiting for the doc. He asks how I'm feeling, I say, "nervous." Apparently he took this as a queue to that I would like things to get weird. Right after this he says, "you know, I have an intern who would be really interested to observe this procedure." Now the exam room is not spacious, so this person would be within a foot of me. I'm thinking, well let's not be a prude here, it's for training a doctor.

Wrong. Doc goes on to say that she's not actually a medical student, she just wants to go to med school. What??!! So here I am nervous enough to begin with that my ball sack is going to be operated on (when there's nothing wrong with it), and he thinks I want a 19 year old girl sitting next to me watching just for the sheer novelty aspect it! I can see her years down the road, "I would like to thank my family as I accept this Nobel Prize for medicine, and to give a special thanks to the man who inspired me as a teenager by letting me watch his ball sack get sliced open and his sperm tubes get yanked out." In reality, she probably would have gotten a "call" on her camera phone during the operation and my crowning moment would have been immortalized on the internet.

While I didn't really want to disappoint my ball sack surgeon right before the operation, I said, "no." He gives me one of those condescending doctor looks and that's the end of that. But not the end of our time together. The fun is just beginning.

Step one is the anesthesia. A local. Now the problem with locals is delivery. How does your dentist get you numb? That's right, a shot. Turns out they make some sort of special ball sack novicane. And they deliver it with, you guessed it, a needle. And the shot to prevent *pain* is given to you, not in a vein in your leg, not in a vein in your groin. No, the needle get stuck right into your ballsack. And not just into the ballsack, but into your ball. Yes, you heard me correctly. Right in the ball. And the doctor actually says, "You may feel a pinch." Really? A pinch? Who the F*** used to pinch you doc? A f***ing gorilla with f***ing vice grips?

And one shot is not sufficient. You get five. And not a quick in and out, no it's the old, "I've stuck the needle there and I must slowly release the ball sack novicane while wiggling the needle back and forth." It feels like brain freeze to the tenth power in your ball. It makes you want to vomit and cry all at the same time. Then they start on your other ball.

Seems that part of the pain management is to inflict such severe pain during the administration of the anesthesia that really you wouldn't notice just about anything else they did. Just about...

So this was supposed to be a special type of vasectomy- no scalpel. In fact, his brochure said something about lasers (I like lasers). Turns out there are no lasers. And there's no scalpel because he just jams a big ass pair of pointed forceps directly into your scrotum, making a puncture wound, grabbing the sperm tubes and pulling them out through the hole. But it's OK, b/c you're under a local anesthetic.

Now he's not done when he pulls out the first set of sperm tubes, and this was not a good thing, for more than just the obvious reasons. Turns out that my breakfast of cold pizza wasn't the best choice of ball sack operation day cuisine. Pizza gives me gas and I had been fighting to hold back the inevitable since the beginning of the procedure. But when he stuck those forceps in me the second time with his face right down by my ball sack so he would have a good view, we had a breach. A large foul loud machine gun breach. For a split second, I wasn't sure if it was just gas or if I had crapped myself. All I could see was a vague look of panic behind his ball sack surgeon safety glasses. I mean, he's holding the sperm tubes in his forceps and he knows he can't just pull back, but his position is untenable. He can't withstand another assault. For about ten seconds, no one moves. And no one acknowledges what just happened (see, it's not just on dates that people act like that about flatulence, but that's a different rant). Fortunately, things stabilize and we continue.

Another five minutes of tugging and sperm tube cutting, and voila, we're done. A simple ten minute procedure is completed, and I do at least feel confident that what we did was sufficient to destroy my reproductive capacity.

And by the way, if you haven't caught on yet it does hurt more than the doctors let on. So the lesson here is- when your buddies hear the word vasectomy and cringe, it's not just some dumb man type response to a myth. It is a rational reaction to having anyone go near your ball sack with a sharp object or pliers. A lesson I learned to late.

Next up on the rant front: the ball sack had to be shaved for the surgery. Now maybe the porno guys make this look cool, and we've all hear about Brazilians for the ladies, but what no one talks about is the razor stubble...

Confucius Quotes

2010-01-30T09:32:00.002-07:00

Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.

Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.

To be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness.

What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.

When anger rises, think of the consequences.

Bar Joke

2010-01-29T02:51:00.000-07:00

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Animal House - Bluto's Inspiration Speech

2010-01-28T09:03:00.001-07:00

Anatomy of the Pelvic Exam.

2010-01-27T02:47:00.000-07:00

You arrive on time. You�re grumpy.

You sign in, and sit down in the waiting room. If it�s your general practitioner�s office; there is always some old person hacking up a lung next to you, or some kid with a runny nose pawing every single outdated magazine he can get his grubby little hands on. If it�s your ob/gyn office; there are two other women there, one is so pregnant she looks like she�s going to pop, and the other one is glaring at her. You fill out a page or two, and then read your magazine. You wait.

Promptly (after about 40 minutes), an exhausted looking nurse in scrubs pokes her head out from the doorway and calls your name. You are led into the back, where you are put into a tiny exam room, and handed an over-washed blanket with frayed edges and a paper device, which you discover is a small vest that serves no purpose. You undress completely, tug on the paper vest, which does nothing to cover your breasts unless you hold the sides there. The linoleum is cold and sticky�you put your socks back on. You are told to sit on the table�so you do, annoyed by the paper sticking to your butt. You drape yourself with the blanket� You wait.

The nurse comes back in, leaving the door wide open long enough for everyone at the records desk to see you sitting there in your paper vest and your blanket, your socked feet poking out from beneath. Dignity is everything here. The nurse puts the blood-pressure sleeve on your arm, and nearly severs your limb off she pumps it up so high. She asks you to stand on the scale, impatiently waiting for you to somehow cover yourself with the blanket. All necessary data acquired, she swoops out again, making sure the door is nice and wide open so that the patients walking by on their way out get a really good look as you try, bare-assed, to get back onto the table and to sit on the crinkly paper� You wait.

After what seems to be an eternity; and you�ve pretty much memorized the drug-company advertisements on the walls, and you�ve swabbed your ears with a couple of the huge q-tips they have there, the doctor bursts in, clipboard in hand. Never once, do they make eye contact with you, they ask questions, scribble, and then start the mechanical process of turning the innocuous examination table to an instrument of torture. The stirrups are raised, the giant spotlight is turned on, and you are told to lie back� and get this� relax. You feel your legs being lifted and your heels being jammed into the stirrups. The rolling stool is pulled up, the doctor then has a tray of items brought in from the commercial freezer they keep in the back, and the spotlight is shone directly on your badge of womanhood.

Mask on, the doctor ratchets up the vagina-jack. The moment you feel the cold metal on your personal property, you stiffen. After being told to relax again, and you feel like the edge of each duckbill must be sharpened by Ginzu. The doctor�s hand then reaches up, and uses the ancient martial arts move called the �touch of immense discomfort� which they are trained extensively to use at medical school by ninja masters. They poke your belly a few times, and you stiffen, express your annoyance as politely as possible which they promptly dismiss with a mumble. They then reach for the implements they need to tinker around inside you like a mechanic. One quick finger up the anus, and voila. They�re done� some scribbling, with your hoohoo in the spotlight, you lay there and wonder� you wait.

The doctor then turns off the light, and you are allowed to lower your legs, and they promptly advance on you with hands akimbo. Some painful pokings and squeezings and gropings of your breasts, and there is further scribbling. With a slight whoosh of air, you find yourself suddenly alone� the door slowly closing, a tiny south-American woman pushing a laundry cart smiles at you as she walks by. You feel like you should have at least been bought a dinner somewhere nice� You wait.

The nurse comes back in and tells you to put your clothes back on. You may go, she says. She gives you a raggedy looking towelette to remove the KY from your nether regions. You dress quickly, and escape. Good times were had all around.