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Fight Club
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

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The top 10 most annoying customers in Denny's at 3am

Yes, you all know me. you may not specifically remember my face because you and your friends were shit faced drunk. I am your Denny's Waitress. The one you hit on at 3am after the bars closed. I normally work 10pm-6am, friday-tuesday. There are certain types of people I see in my work. If you are one of them, please, go to Jack in the Box. So here we go.

10. THE HOOKER- Yes dear, I know you are a hooker, You work a hard job, So do I. Yes I am polite to you, mostly out of fear of a crackheaded rage. But when i have 9 tables, of possibly tipping customers, I do not want to drop everything to make you a strawberry shake to get that cum taste out of your mouth. Please, just wait, like everyone else.

9. THE FRAT BOYS- Yes I know I look good. Thanks. But please, I don't like being hit on by a group of drunk guys in a bar, I do not like being hit on by a group of drunk guys at my work. I WILL NOT give you my phone number. If you are really that interested, leave a big tip, and your number, perhaps I will call you. More then likely, I will not.

8. NO HABLA INGLES- Ok please, learn the basic skills needed to order your food. I don't speak spanish very well, and i hate having to grab the bus boy to translate. Anyone who has ever been to california, knows these people. When asked what they would like to order, they point to the picture. "Ok and how would you like your eggs?" to this i get a puzzled look, much conversing in a foreign tongue, then more pointing to the picture. This same response to the questions as to how you would like your toast, steak, etc... Please, learn to speak english, or bring someone who does. And lastly, don't act like I'm the idiot for not speaking spanish.

7. THE HOLIER-THAN-THOU GROUP - Ok, so technically I am a server. read SERVER, not servant. Where the hell do you get off talking down to me you drunk prick? Yes I will be nice to you, I will get your food in a timely manner, and keep your coffee full. But please, do not talk down to me as if i am human excrement.
I work don't I? And please understand that all things in the universe are not in my control. ok you ordered your steak medium rare.(why are you eating a dennys steak) I do not cook the steaks. I can not bite into each one to check it's exact condition inside. If it is not exactly right, please tell me, politely. do not scream " You stupid insolate whore, i said Medium rare, can't you remeber that, or are you too stupid." This will not get a kindly reaction from myself, and you will wait 30 minutes for a new steak, which will be extremely well done. You don't know me, I don't know you, You might be better then me, probably not. You are an asshole.

6. THE LOUD DRUNK GIRLS- Yes you ladies, I know you had a great time in the bar, as i can hear every word you say. Glad to hear the fake id's worked, but you do not look older with 3 pounds of makeup and one ounce of clothing. I don't mind that you all give me evil looks, I'm hot. Sorry i can't help it I was born this way. I see the looks as you guzzle down your french vanilla cappuccino, and all share one salad. But ladies ahem..girls. I am one of you, why treat me with such hostility, fortunately at least one of you is a waitress, and you usually leave a decent tip.

5. THE HOMELESS GUY- Yes I let you sit in here. you aren't dirty and don't smell...too much. I will give you free coffee, and do my best to sneak you some food. But I am busy. I do not want to sit and listen to you droll on about how in 1972 you had a house and a wife and you lost it all. You've told me, I'm sorry, I'm doing my best to help you out a little, why don't you get your ass a job, and complain to them.

4. THE RICH ROMANIAN GUYS- Yes you are all very good looking, and polite. But please, stop telling me how much money you have. Also, this is not burger king, we don't make it your way. The options we give you are listed, want seasoned fries, great, can't eat tomatos, alright. But when you order your decaf coffe with a shot of vanilla, water, with lemon. Club sandwich with no tomato, no mayo, extra mustard, add swiss cheese, ham instead of turkey, on rye bread, no fries but a side of sliced banana's, this is a little much guys. Come on, make it at home. After all this, which i finish with a smile on my face, you leave me $3.00 hop in your beemers and escalades and drive away. THANKS PRICKS!

3. THE CREEPY OLD GUYS- Yeah you two. You're pushing 60, do not act like you are 20. I am not on the menu, please stop asking, when I ask youif there is anything else i can get you don't say " I'd like you on a plate" After 60 years i'd think you guys could come up with something better. I am a waitress, not a Hooker. I will not let you smell my pussy for $20 dollars, I will not let your friend fuck me for $200. I do not care that you are "special forces" The giant gut really must help for all the covert ops. If you want a hooker, one will be here soon, buy her a strawberry shake, and she's yours.

2. THE OLD MEXICAN LADIES- so when did you ladies buy those outfits? when you were 20? guess what THEY DON'T FIT. They are too small and you are too large. The bright red shiny tight skirt does not make your ass look good, nothing could make your ass look good, a trash bag perhaps. The bottle of cheap perfume you put on this morning does not make you sexy, it makes you smell, bad. No one wants to see your boobs, no matter how many push up-bras, bottles of glue, and rolls of duct-tape it took to get them above your belly button. You all are loud and drunk, and obviously you do not like coffee by the massive amount of creamer and sugar you put in. I mean really ladies, 9 creamers and 12 packets of sugar for one fucking cup of coffee?!? The sooner you realize that you are not 24, get your fat ass in a moomoo, and get the hell out of my restaurant, the sooner the world will be a better place.

1. THE LARGE CHEAP PARTY- Yes you earn number one. You come sauntering in at 2:45am and announce that you have a party of 14, maybe more. ok, we do not have a table for 14, we will have to spread you in part of the restaurant. you will all be together, just not at the same table. You bitch and moan, but hey we only have booths, they don't move. so ten of you sit. I get your drinks, but then there is 1 more, i get this drink, and so on. then When it is time to order, are you polite enough to go in the order in which you are sitting? Hell no. Will your party quiet down so i can actually hear you? Fuck no. after everyone orders will 3 of you change your mind? But of course. Ok. 14 different meals...got it. Time to carry them out, as you may know 14 meals will not fit on one tray, so yes i have people carrying more, but Alas, that is still not enough. So while i am setting down your plates you all continue to cry " Where is my Toast, where are my nachos, I need ketchup, etc" Hold the Fuck on, i got 5 trays, and 2 hands. so "Is there anything i an get for you?" a glass of water replies one customer, "Ok, anything else for the rest of you?" no answer, so i scurry off, and get the water. "Anything else?" I ask upon my return. More napkins, once again i run to get napkins. this process goes on and on. Ask for it all at once dammit! ok time to pay. You all want seperate checks... can you not figure out he approximate price of your meal on your own? Are you all that stupid? of course you are. After all of my efforts,there $200 dollar check divided, and many thanks for the great service, what do I receive for my efforts?!? $8 dollars. $8 Fucking dollars. You've got to be fucking kidding me! THATS LIKE 3% YOU ASSHOLES



All of these people are actually customers that i deal with on a regular basis, they are not fictional, although i wish many of them were.

Please folks when dining out remember, we are not servants, nor are we hookers, we will not date you,tipping is 15-20%, we do not make your food, but if you are rude we will not hesitate to spit in it.



P.S. To the psycho bitch that followed me after i left work, come in me restaurant again, I will kill you, slowly.

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She’s Letting Herself Go

She’s putting on weight
Life starts moving fast while the metabolism starts slowing down. Here’s a scenario that might explain why she’s letting herself go: She’s too tired to hit the gym and she’s always on the go, which leads her to constantly eat on the go. She’s letting herself go because she’s finding it impossible to eat healthy, which is leading to unwanted pounds. You want to tell her to hit the treadmill, but she would drop a 45-pound plate on your skull if you made any indication that she needed to lose weight. A few extra pounds may lead to a few bigger dress sizes and she becomes a fun-house mirror image of her old self.

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Movie Quote

Home Alone
This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone.

Harmless obsession #6

Natalie Portman

Girls, please, don't drink so much

Times are hard, you look for odd jobs. So I find myself working as a doorman at a relatively nice bar. I'm here to advise you women out there: please, don't get trashed out of your minds. For a variety of reasons. You could go home with the wrong guy, you could forget to use a rubber, with the wrong guy, after you go home with him. You might not notice when the really wrong guy slips something into your drink... I had an ex-fiancee who had that happen. Rohypnol apparently shows up as a narcotic when they screen your blood after an accident, and they can blame it on you, even if you're injured.

There are also the more mundane, and practical reasons. Maybe you say something stupid, maybe you do something stupid, maybe you eat something stupid, and your bowels belch fiery fury for hours on end the next day.

But here's the top of the pile. The other night, I saw something I swear I'll take to my grave.

It's after last call, we're running everyone out. It's closing time, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here, etc, etc. This guy comes over to me. His girlfriend is in the bathroom, has been in the bathroom for a while, and he's a little concerned. Since most everyone else has left, I go to check. I'm a gentleman, I grab a waitress to witness, I announce that I'm coming in, hello, hello, is there anyone in here. (Please, god, don't be crying, passed out in a puddle of something, or hollering at the unfortunately empty tampon dispenser.)

There she is, sitting on the pot. Head between her knees, directly over her underwear... and her underwear and pantyhose are full of puke. Hair, too, but that's not what's about to be the problem. The waitress is aghast, dumbstruck, and speechless. I'm tired, it's time to go home, so I give her shoulder a shake. Come on sweety, time to go.

"Huh? Oh... hey... hi. OK, OK." Typical drunken gibberish. Then the girl stands up.

Now, I've been pretty drunk. I've woken up in some truly horrifying places, had to go back there the next day to retrieve my wallet. Kissed some women that looked like rhinos, and, well... I've been around. But usually when I come to, I have the presence of mind to look around and see where I was and what was going on, because usually... well, that's just the first thing I do.

She doesn't. She pulls her underwear, and pantyhose, snug all the way to the top, still full of puke. settles her skirt, and staggers out of the bathroom. She gives her boyfriend the slumped over, arm around the waist, I'm sloshed honey, please take me home.

God... dear, sweet, hope you're up there god... please tell me she didn't get horny when they got home. Please tell me she didn't get mad at him for not wanting to go down. For the only time in the guy's life, he may have legitimately been able to claim the smell was the reason, but still.

Girls, please. I don't want to keep anyone on a pedestal, I can understand, everyone likes a good old fashioned night on the town. And sure, there's nothing like a really good drinking story. Remind me some night to tell you about me, the fire bell, and paying for bad food with my belt buckle in Juarez.

But this was really nothing like a good drinking story. For the love of god, your underpants, your dignity, your boyfriend... or just your bouncer... Please. A little moderation, ok?

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Annoying Things Women Do

Number 4

They cry over anything: a sad movie (or even a happy one), a broken nail, or a haircut gone awry. What's worse, they expect us to clean up the emotional mess. And if there's one thing we suck at, it's dealing with a crying woman on our shoulder.

It's not that we're insensitive, but aside from saying, "There there, sweetie," we don't know the first thing about comforting a woman. The fact that women are usually more delicate and vulnerable is great; we just don't want the steady stream of tears for every minor setback.

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Movie Quote

The Flintstones
Barney: You're afraid to tell Wilma, aren't you?
Fred: Afraid? Now let's get this straight, Rubble. I don't need permission from my wife to make a decision. In my cave, I reign supreme. SUPREME!
Barney: I won't tell her, Fred.
Fred: Thanks pal.

Harmless obsession #8

BROOKE BURKE IN BIKINI

It's so hard to find true love...

Girls,

Twirling your hair. No matter what you have seen in the movies and on tv, this does not make you look alluring. It makes you look autistic. It has a scientific name, tricotillomania. You are not 12 years old. You are old enough to pay $14 for a martini, or at least old enough to con men into doing so for you. Watching you sit at the bar and chew on your hair is no more attractive than watching you sit at the bar and bite off your split ends.

Please don’t ask me over and over and over again, “Why doesn’t he call? Why can’t I just find a nice guy? Doesn’t he like me? God, can you believe he was married? I just want a boyfriend! Waah!” Because after 6 years of hearing you whine about it, I’d like to think that at the age of 35, you might have figured out that stating, “Hi! Want to tit-fuck me?” isn’t the precursor to a long-term relationship. What I can’t understand is that you kiss them on the first date, you touch their penises on the first date, you blow them on the first date, and yes, you let them tit-fuck you on the first date and you sit by the phone for the next 2 months wondering WHY THEY DON’T CALL YOU. Um, could it be that they see you as cheap and sleazy? The harsh reality is that sometimes your mom was right – guys don’t like girls who are easy. Or at least they don’t take them home to see their mothers. And don’t give me excuses about how a girl “has her needs.” That’s what vibrators are for.

Standing next to a cute guy at the bar to get his attention. No matter how much you would like him to notice you, no matter what you have already named your future children, no matter how gorgeous you think he is with that scotch in one hand, NOTHING will make him speak to you if you don’t go over there and introduce yourself. Standing in his general vicinity and refusing to make eye contact and wishing really really hard that he will notice your feminine charms and your Inner You does nothing except show him how insecure and frightened you are. Yes, he notices you. How can he not, when you are flipping your hair and trying your best to look casual while faking conversation with your best friend? (“Psst! No way, don’t look over – I said DON’T LOOK!!! Sorry… it’s just that he’s looking this way… omigod he is SO CUTE!!! Is he looking at me? Is he looking at me?”) Trust me, he sees you. Trust me, he’s laughing at you. Trust me, you’re feeding his ego, but that’s all of him you’re ever going to get.

“Why doesn’t he call? Do you think he’s busy? Do you think he likes me? He hasn’t called in 2 weeks, do you think he still wants to date me? Why doesn’t he call???” In this day and age, if you don’t have a cellphone, you must have oatmeal for brains. Everyone is so connected that they have wireless connections at Starbucks and cellphone/only areas on the Acela. I can’t walk 3 blocks down 6th Avenue without running into at least a dozen people on a smoke/phone break. I’ve even gotten calls from people’s pants, when their mobiles have accidentally called me… so if someone really really wanted to call you, dahlink, he would. The hard answer (that took me years to learn) is No, he still doesn’t want to date you. He simply doesn’t care about you. You are not a priority because he WOULD find a way to reach you. If he was in Afghanistan, he’d get his mother to send you a postcard so that you would be assured of his safety and his tender feelings for you without compromising his security clearance. He would call you at home. He would call your mobile. He would leave sweet messages on your voice mail while snowed in at O’Hare airport. He would move heaven and earth to just hear the sound of your voice. If he asked you out for Saturday brunch and you said, “Wow, I’d love to, but I have a funeral to go to, can I take a rain check?” He would respond, “A funeral? Gee whiz, would you like me come along for emotional support? When’s the viewing? 2 p.m.? Should I come pick you up? I’ll be there!” … How do I know this? Because that’s what my fiance said to me on our second date, god bless him.

Don’t despair, true love is out there… but in the interim, please don’t do any of the things above.

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10 Dating Deal Breakers

She doesn't back you up
She flirts with other guys
She neglects you publicly
She lies
She criticizes you
She disappears without telling you
She abuses you
She scolds you publicly
She has a substance abuse problem
She cheats

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Movie Quote

Robert De Niro, Meet the Parents
I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.

Harmless obsession #7

Shania Twain- Man, I Feel Like A Woman!

Good-looking guys and average women

Dear Good-looking guys,

Thanks for ruining things for us average-looking guys. You, like all men, will tag pretty much anything female. So you go out to bars and other social venues and you go for the low-hanging fruit. You go for the average-looking girl. Why? Because they are easy and don't give you half the shit that hot women give.

So what's the big deal? The big deal is that average girls don't know their place anymore. They suddenly think that they are hot just because they have been banged by a hot guy. They are wrong, and they do not know it. We average guys, however, do know it. We know that the average girl -- in the long term -- is out of your league. We know that she is in our league, the league of the average. But she does not know that.

So the average girl goes on thinking she is hot and holding out for a hot guy to spend the rest of her life with. Yes, it's great for the ego of the average girl. She bangs a hot guy every now and then, and she really thinks she is the shit. No one told her, though, that any guy (hot or not) will bang any average girl. Sadly, the average women develop this "I'll never settle" mentality. Average guys are suddenly not an option for them, leaving us average guys out in the cold. The genuine hot girls, of course, are not an option for us, so that leaves us with the fat chicks. Thanks. Thanks a lot, hot guy. Meanwhile, the really hot chicks are sitting around dissing us and waiting for you to come talk to them. (And we can only imagine the torture that the fat guys are going through as we average guys are forced to mack on their women.)

So do the social scene a favor -- stick with your own kind. Leave the average girls to us, and stop creating delusions of grandeur in their minds. The average chick is our niche. We work hard enough as it is for the average girl. Now you go work hard to bag the hot chick. Don't be afraid of a little work.

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18 Simple Rules for Becoming a Better Kisser

Most unfortunately, there are coxcombs among us who refer to making a move as "going in for the kill." However, leaning in for that first kiss should not be considered some kind of predatory attack, a forceful champing at the bit with excessive salivation. Instead, it should be thought of as an intimate moment shared between two people that can run the gamut from sweet and romantic to hot and heavy. Unfortunately, too many people mistake "hot and heavy" for "wet and messy." These people are the bad kissers among us. Do not hate them, for they know not what they do (usually because no one has the heart or presence of mind to set them straight). Hence, everyone believes they alone have turned lip-locking into an art form. But someone has got to be inspiring the countless tales told round water coolers about the "spin cyclist."

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Movie Quote

Timothy Walker, Four Weddings and a Funeral
[talking about his new wife] Ignore her. She's drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I'm in real trouble.

Harmless obsession #9

Jessica Simpson Bikini

Looking for smoking hot girl to share apartment

I'm looking for an incredibly beautiful girl to share my apartment. Why does my next roommate have to be a gorgeous girl with fantastic funbags? Because I hate my job, that's why.

I spend everyday dealing with complete cockbites, only to come home and deal with one more cockbite fucktard, and I'm tired of it. For once, I want something to look forward to, and it's certaintly not going to be my job.

So if someone has suggested that you should be on America's Top Model, or could be (better yet, have been) in Playboy, than you may just have what it takes to be my next roommate.

In all fairness though, it will take more than just being a scorching hottie to be my roommate, it will also take $700 every month. You will also have to put up with the following:

My friends will always be over to check you out
I will always be trying to check you out
I will move all of your food to the bottom drawer of the refridgerator, just so I can watch you bend over and get it (Oh, yeah! Get those apples from the crisper, you dirty girl!)
I will make every attempt possible to "accidently" bump into you as you are on your way out of the shower.
I will constantly try to get you drunk so that I can advantage of you. Sadly, in attempting this, I will get myself much more drunk than you could ever be, and promplty get myself taken advantage by someone much less desirable.
I will make you play 20 questions with me, and every time I will be thinking of my cock.
I will never make eye contact with you, because I will be staring at your sweater puppets.
I will hound you to be part of my amateur photography collection.
I will eat all of your food (I'm lazy and cheap as well).

If this sounds reasonable to you, write a 5000 word essay on why you would be a good roommate for me. Then, throw that out and send me a hot picture of you instead. As long as you are hot, I really don't care what you do. You could be a herion addicted, neo nazi, puppy-killer, but as long as you look like one of the girls from a David Kelley series, I don't care.

And please be a non-smoker, I'll need my deposit back when I move out.

Time to get into shape

Movie Quotes

Jim Carrey, The Cable Guy
You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.

Harmless obsession #5

Alizee I'm not 20

Girls are funny

when girls say they hate oral and anal-

its cause most guys stink at it. i've told bf's i wasn't into getting oral-it was a total lie.

i just got bored of trying to teach them what i like-they just weren't getting it through their heads. some women have never even had good anal/oral so they don't even know that they are missing anything. horrible.

and if you can't get your chick to love anal-you're not much of a man, sorry.

real men have me begging for it. so-so nice guys i merely put up with it-usually i will not give up my ass to the unworthy though.

and no, its not about being treated poorly, you sad sacks. its about confidence, sex appeal and knowing how to touch a woman the right way.

if you can't get your gf hot with just a few light touches for the most part-that's pathetic.

you will never experience the full pleasure of being with a woman. while she may care for you, you will never be a true man in her eyes.

sorry to be harsh, but that's the truth.

all my real-man relationships-yes they ended. but it was much more amicably than the nice guys. the nice but stinky in bed men, wow i hate myself for this but god did i break their hearts. if you do not please a woman sexually she will grow to hate and resent you. if you can give her great pleasure, chances are she's either your forever, or she will always respect and think fondly of you.

and i am NOT saying that sex is all the man. of course the woman should look and act sexy, and please him as well. every woman should view sexual pleasure as a right and a necessity-its a damn shame how many women put up with crap sex. no wonder there are so many crazy bitches out there.

and if you *think* you're good..chances are you're not. i have lied to protect a man's ego-every woman has. we do it without thinking. bold faced lies, you're the best etc. fake moaning, you name it.

take nothing for granted gentleman.

Women are crazy!

OK. I think I might have a thing for her....
Taylor Swift - Picture to Burn

Girls Piss Me Off !

Girls Piss Me Off ! ! !
Girls Piss Me Off.. "can you tell im single"? ? ?

I swear that if I wasn't sexually attracted to girls that I'd be gay. At least
guys make sense most the time.

First off, girls just talk way too much. When you're with your other
girlfriends, go ahead and talk about whatever the fuck you want. I don't care.
But why exactly do you think that I care about the kind of day that your sisters
co-workers dog had? Your sister is nice enough, but I don't know her co-worker
and I certainly don't know her dog. So why the fuck are you telling me this
story? I don't care! If you have something worth talking about, then I can enjoy
engaging you in a meaningful conversation. But before you start talking to me
about some of the insane frivolous shit that you talk to your girlfriends about,
first ask yourself "Does this have a point?". Because if it doesn't I'm just
going to smile, and nod, and zone out and you'll get mad because I'm not
listening to your retarded shit!

Stop over complicating everything. There isn't an ulterior motive or hidden
meaning in every other sentance. Unless, I suppose, it's coming out of the mouth
of another woman. Because you ladies never can seem to say what you actually
mean. You have this weird secret code that you love to try and crack and expect
us guys to be able to get in on your stupid game. Guys aren't like that. Rarely
rarely RARELY will you ever have to figure out what a guy is actually saying. We
say what we mean. Girls have such a skewed sense of logic that this simple
concept is often lost on them. When you go searching for some deeper meaning
that isn't there, you're just committing to an act of futility. In the end you
wind up making up some bullshit and believing that it must be true and acting on
that false reality and making a mess of something for no apparent reason other
than the fact that you're in-fucking-sane.

Stop getting upset at guys for trying to help solve your problems. That's what
guys do. You present us with a problem, we're going to try and fix it. It's in
our fucking nature. I know it's in your nature to want to talk about everything,
but if you're going to bring up your problems to a guy, expect that he's going
to try and do something about it or give you advice. Women always bitch that
guys don't listen. It's not that we don't listen, we just don't understand why
you're bringing up your problems if you don't want us to do something about it.
We're not as empathetic as your girlfriends, so if you want empathy, go to them.
Likewise, if guys have a problem, they'll probably only bring it up if they need
help or advice. Many women will bitch that guys don't talk enough. It's not that
guys don't talk, it's just that your empathy doesn't help solve our problems
when we do talk.

One of the most insanely frustrating things about women is the constant
reassurance. No, you're not fat. If you were fat you wouldn't be able to fit
into that size 2 dress. And yes, you look good. Guys wouldn't be giving you free
shit if you were ugly. (There's an ulterior fucking motive for you. Hint:
They're not giving you free stuff just to be sweet.) It's so frustrating having
to constantly answer those questions, only to not be believed. It's like trying
to convince someone that the sky is blue. You're not blind, you're not even
color blind. You can see that the sky is blue. Yet you continue to ask what
color the sky is. I tell you it's blue. I know that you know what color blue is.
And even though I've told you that the sky is blue about fifty-million times,
you still have to ask because...I don't know...maybe it's not blue today. The
sky is fucking blue goddammit! You're not fucking fat! You're not fucking ugly!
You know it, I know it, everyone fucking knows it!

And fuck all you ultra-hot girls that bitch about the most retarded things.
Yeah, all men are fucking pigs because they stare at your boobs. I'm sure it has
nothing to do with the fact that you're wearing a skin tight low cut shirt that
has 'Bebe' printed across your boobs... one 'Be' per boob. It's totally unfair
that you have to put up with guys staring at you all the time just because you
like to look sexy. And boo hoo, it's so hard for you to meet a nice guy. Well
actually it isn't, because the shoulder your crying on belongs to a nice guy.
He's the one that puts up with all your stupid shit. And yet you some how end up
with all the assholes. I'm sure that it has nothing to do with the fact that
you're holding out for a six foot tall alpha-male fire fighter with a trust
fund.

And finally, yay for you. You sold a freezer to some eskimos. Congratulations on
being the hot sales rep. We're all very proud of you for being able to have a
nice ass while the rest of us actually have to work for a living. And we're all
so excited to see your new diamond jewelry. Your ability to date another rich
fucktard that will shower you with expensive bobbles is commendable. And I'll be
so surprised and sorry for you when he dumps you for the next hot girl. Because
I really thought that materialistic trophy bagger was in love with you. But I'm
happy to hear that you wrecked your fifth car while multi-tasking between your
cell phone and doing your make up in the mirror. Your dedication to enforcing
the stereotype of women drivers is nothing short of awe inspiring. And you're
right, I was being a shallow douchebag when I commented on the hotness of Eva
Longoria. So lets go see that movie where Johnny Depp makes out with Orlando
Bloom on Brad Pitts abs. I know you've been dying to see that one.

Girls...you piss me the fuck off. You do stupid shit and manage to get away with
it. You can be the most annoying idiots in the world. Your sense of logic and
common sense seems to be a rare gift rather than a common trait. And yet I'm
uncontrollably attracted to you. And that's quite possibly the most frustrating
thing of all.
--YES IM STILL SINGLE