Myths and Truths #4

MYTH: I should find one woman I like who likes me, and stick with her through thick and thin.

TRUTH: This is the biggest mistake I ever made. I used to be loyal to whomever I was with, even when someone better came along. All that happened was that I missed out on some great opportunities while I hung on with losers that ended up dumping me anyway. Do this if the two of you are getting married; once you've tied the knot it's a whole other can of worms. However, if you're just dating, do exactly the opposite. In very subtle ways you have to let her know that although you like her, there are lots of other women out there and you still notice them. Glance at tits and legs. Smile at and chat with pretty ladies, even while she's with you (you're just being friendly, of course). This is the most important thing I've learned about dating in a decade. I even thought of dating WASP bitches again, so long as I could keep this in mind. Never, never let her know that she's the only game in town. As soon as she believes that she's your "everything," she'll start whining and bitching and making demands.

Think of it like buying a car. If you let the salesman know that this is your dream car, that you've stayed awake nights thinking about buying exactly this car, do you think the price will go down? Of course not! He'll jack the price up as high as he thinks he can go and still have you buy it. If you tell your girl that you've dreamed all of your life of going out with someone like her, do you think she'll smile and kiss you and things will go on as before? Of course not! She'll realize that you'll put up with more of her bad habits, and that she can put up with fewer of yours, and the bitching will start. She'll try to make the relationship as comfortable for her as possible and still keep it going. Remember the car salesman? Remember the attitude that "this is a nice car, but there are hundreds of other great ones, including that one across the street", even as your heart is thumping and you're practically drooling? If you're just dating, this is the attitude to take.

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Myths and Truths #3

MYTH: Women are out for looks.

TRUTH: See above. Women are out for looks, after a fashion. A guy in good physical shape who wears decent-looking clothes is attractive because he looks after himself and probably isn't a wimp or a whiner. She can convince her friends that he's a "catch." A guy who looks and smells like a laundry bin, or who can't climb a few flights of stairs without a rest had better have some spectacular attribute to show off to her friends (like being a genius) or he's not worth her time. Any guy can compensate for lack of looks or lack of money with showmanship. He doesn't have to be a catch, just seem like one. All he has to do is make her friends think, "Damn, I wish I were going out with him instead of the loser I'm with."

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Myths and Truths #2

BITTER MYTH: Women are out for money.

TRUTH: Women are out for status and fun or for security, depending upon their age. A few women are out for cold cash, but not too many. Status-seeking women aren't ready to settle down. They just wanna have fun, and they want their girlfriends to know it. They're looking for a guy they can dangle in front of their friends and say, "Look what I got!" You don't have to have money to be that guy, you just have to come across as desirable. Of course if you have money you don't need to do anything else, but having no money isn't the end of the world. The women who are out for security have had their wild fling and want to settle down. They want a guy who can provide a stable base for the future (and that includes finances).

All in all it's sort of like what guys do (and women whine about endlessly): when you're young you want some bright, bubbly thing with huge tits, a nice ass, and a trimmed bush who screams like a banshee in bed, although you'll settle for much less; when you're ready to get married you want a nice girl who isn't going to break your balls. They're usually different people unless you're very, very lucky. Young women want bad boys who will show them a good time. When they're ready to get married they want some guy who is going to be able to pay to keep them comfortable.

Larger penis or your money back

Myths and Truths #1

MYTH: Women want love and affection. Women want to be treated well. If you treat a woman well, she'll treat you well.

TRUTH: Young women want whatever other young women want. They're herd creatures. If you lavish a woman with love and affection she'll think you're doing it because nobody else wants you (which may be true) and she'll dump you. In fact, if you do anything that betrays that you're a loser that other women won't touch, she'll dump you. Why? Because she wants to impress her friends with what a great catch she's made, and if she thinks that they wouldn't want you, then she doesn't want you either.

There are only three exceptions to this rule. The first exception is psychos, otherwise known as "witches, bitches, and crazy ladies." They'll stay with you because nobody else wants them, or because you're the only one who put up with their abuse. The second exception is women who like to "fix men up": those women who like to take "broken" men and turn them into the man they want. These women are single because a mature man will recognize that these women don't want him... they want to turn him into someone else. The third exception is that once in a long time you meet a woman who isn't psycho, still wants to stay with you when she finds out that you're not super stud, and doesn't want to change you into someone else. This is the one you marry.

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To the lady at the Labcorp

First off the only reason I was there was to verify I had no live sperm.

My girlfriend wanted me to verify I was not shooting real bullets because I was tired of feeling like my shaft was stuck in neutral because I had to wear a fricking condom. I told her I was tied off but we both wanted to make sure I was not "live" before I ditched the $5 a box condoms.

I came into your Lab with a doctor's order for a sperm sample. There were two other people behind me at the counter when you took the order from my hand and then asked me in a loud voice "When is the last time you ejaculated?" (I guess you wanted to know if I had enough spluge to give a good sample to run the test) WTF? Do you have to broadcast to the whole damn place that I'm there to shoot my load into a clear plastic cup? I told you that I should be good. You then have me go sit in the waiting room.

I sat down and rifled through a bunch of magazines and found a two year old Sports Illustrated. I read it from cover to cover. Then you came into the waiting room and handed me a cup to do my deed. You then led me back to the front desk area where the only bathroom in the place is 3 feet away from the counter.

Apparently I was expecting you to hand me a choice of porn material so I could get this done. But I now know that I will have to supply my own, in the future.

I went into the bathroom (aka sperm sample room) and took out my limp dick. I try to remember the girl on the front of Cosmo magazine, that I saw briefly, and work to get a hard on when I hear on the other side of the door, a woman visibly upset that her insurance requires a copay for her bloodwork to be drawn. WTF? The girl on the cover of Cosmo quickly exits my mind as I am now listening to you try to calm this woman down. I turn the water on to try and drown out the conversation so I can shoot my load into the cup.

At this point, I am now stripping all the way down to nothing so I can feel like I'm crawling into the sack with my girlfriend. I manage to get a rod up and proceed to stroke but guess what? There is no lotion. I NEED LUBE! I am going like a bat out of hell with both hands to know avail. I then discover the liquid soap in the liquid soap dispenser and damn near empty the thing into the palm of my hand. (sorry for using all the soap) So now I'm completely naked, jacking off in a public restroom and pink soap flying everywhere. (I flush the toilet to try and drown out the conversation between you and a coworker complaining about how your husband forgot your damn birthday) So with all this all going on it really is tough trying to stay somewhat aroused to get this sperm from inside my body into this cup. So I call my girlfriend, who is a corporate trainer, to see if I can get her to have phone sex with me. But of course she's training people and can't help me out, at all.

After 45 minutes of front desk conversation, toilet flushing, and water running I finally getrdone. My heart is racing a hundred miles an hour, my arms hurt and I'm flat worn out. I rinse myself, wash the walls, get my clothes back on and take my sealed sample to you. You then ask me how'd it go? What kinda damn question is that? I smile and say great and then walk out the door. BTW, I have no live sperm and now can have proper intercourse with my girlfriend.

Thanks for all your help Labcorp lady. I hope I never have to see you again.

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Little Old Lady

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 76 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good! Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years
ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to touch my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I certainly did not!
Defense Attorney:
Well, why not?
Little Old Lady:
His touching made me feel a ll alive and excited! I haven't felt
that good in years!!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, I was feeling so 'spic y' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man! Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
And did he "take" you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.......

Finger Eleven - One Thing

Penis size survey

What is average? What is small? What is big?

Putting on a condom

It’s a fact of life that some men don’t know how to put on a condom. Don’t put on a superior smirk and don’t feel embarrassed; there’s no need for either of these attitudes. Some guys have little experience when it comes to sex. Others have little experience regarding the use of condoms and prefer to go natural every time. So what? We all have to learn sometimes.

Fortunately, putting on a condom is not a big deal at all and any man, or woman for that matter, can get the hang of it in almost no time at all. If you feel you need to practice before attempting this during sex, by all means go ahead. Condoms can be bought from any pharmacy or, if you don’t feel like informing the pharmacist about your activities, you can use the vending machines.

What you need is an erect penis or something that looks like one, such as a banana or anything else that has the general shape of a penis and does not bend during the test. Break open the pack and take a condom out. Open the foil by tearing away one side and be careful about it. Remember that is very important to keep the condom undamaged. If you manage to botch this step and tear the condom, get another from the pack. Never use a torn condom during sex because it’s perfectly useless. It won’t protect you from STIs and it won’t protect the lady from unwanted pregnancy.

Next, remove the condom from the torn foil and look at it. You will notice that a small tip is hanging on one side of the condom. Be careful though because this tip contains a bit of air and trapping air inside the condom is not a good idea. Grab the tip between your thumb and forefinger and squeeze the air out. And while keeping your fingers on the tip, place the condom on the head of your penis with the tip up. Use your other hand to roll the condom down the length of your shaft.

And this is the final stage of the whole process. Now you are ready for sex and armed with the knowledge of how to properly put on a condom. The last thing you must always pay attention to is to prevent air from entering the condom because it will form pockets that are very likely to break during sex. Also be careful to buy condoms suited to your size otherwise the condom might start to slip off your penis at the worst moment possible. If you are completely new to condoms, buy a couple of sizes and try them all to see which fits you best.

When you’re done, pull out and start taking the condom off. You’d better do this out of the bed, some distance from the lady’s vagina. It would be a bummer to have sex with the condom on only to spill the load while taking the thing off you. The best way to remove it is to grab the tip as before and start pulling your penis out. Wrap the used condom in tissue paper, throw it in the garbage can and go wash. Now you’re all done.

More Sex Tips

DUI Pickup

So I get a PD call to pick up these two girls after they had been pulled over by the police. T (who by the way had the most amazing breasts I have ever seen on a 5'4" 110 lb women) came over to talk to me while A was finishing getting her paper work. Now T begins to tell me how she really needs to pee. So I suggest she take care of it. She exclaims...
"I have a vagina!"
I say yes, I assumed so. But that I have seen girls pee outside before.
So she smiles and asks me to be her lookout. Moving out of the cops line of sight, but still in mine, she proceeds to relieve herself. She comes back all giggles and smiles and I tell her I knew she could do it. A finishes up and comes over at the end of this asking...
"What, WHAT!"
T says...
"Nothing. I'll tell you later."
I took them home. Love the drunk little girls....

Hancock (2008) Trailer 2

Panty tug of war

I have learned that it is easy to strip a gal down to her panties as long as I keep kissing her (takes practice) but never, DON’T EVER, get into the panty tug-o-war. Just leave the panties alone. Get into the panty tug-o-war and it’s all over. A guy can not recover from the panty tug-o-war. Let her initiate the panty removal (i.e. wait until she pulls at least one side down her hip). Once she does then you can literally rip them panties off her cute little body. And the best way to get her to initiate the panty removal is to do the blowing hot air through the crotch thing.

The Teacher

For as we get older, it is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't do. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Lifehouse - First Time

Great lyrics

Kix ~ Girl Money
Sometimes you're out
Sometimes you're in
Sometimes you lose
But sometimes you win

Supertramp ~ Goodbye Stranger
Now some they do and some they don't
And some you just can't tell
And some they will and some they won't
With some it's just as well

From the women's point of view

I am female- I have been dumped for not giving it up "soon enough" and for giving it up "too soon". Somehow, the blame for the dissolution of the dating relationship always landed in my lap (no pun intended). It got so bad that I became super neurotic and paranoid, to the point where I was trying to pin point the exact second I could be intimate with a guy in any way and whatever resulted from that (him dumping me?) wouldn't be ALL my fault. I was actually frightened to have sex!!

My best advice for Ladies is just to do what you feel, any MATURE man that is really into you, wouldn't run away suddenly because you have fucked! They were butt ass naked too, and NOBODY is judging them! We have to stop accepting that BULLSHIT reason for dumping someone. He stopped calling because he was "not that into you" from the beginning, and he was just showering you with false affection and attention in an attempt to get you to sleep with him-(read he was PLAYING/Tricking you). It wasn't like he was like "Oh I thought we could have a great relationhip but now that we've had great sex, I don't see that happening" - Get the Fuck outta here! She gave it up too soon" and "she didn't give it up so i cheated" are just ways of shifting the blame onto the woman, so he dosen't have to admit to himself and the world what the REAL issue was and how much of a cowardly, childish crackhead he is. Don't completely believe that evolutionary "we need the chase" crap. It is true ONLY to a certain extent, as if you wait "too long" to give it up, these same men will use it as a justification to dump or cheat on you!

Ladies, The fact is, this type of "man" just has Relationship A.D.D. because they simply get bored too easily and tend to be SELFISH (incapable of thinking about anyone's wants/feelings but their own)- this is the type of man who would get bored with Halle Berry if given enough time. The minute this type of man is not kept constantly stimulated like a hyper two-year old, they want to blame someone else so they don't have to feel bad about running to stick their dick elsewhere.

"She gave it up too soon" sounds a hell of a lot better to them to say than"I was just using her/ playing with her". Seriously, why would anyone who really liked you suddenly dump you beacuse you fucked?! This IS like throwing the baby out with the bathwater, it's stupid, like judging someone else for getting high when you were right there with them getting high too! If a guy can be such a dickhead and dump you for a BS double standard reason like that, then be GLAD they didn't stick around! If you stay with that guy you will endure a lifetime of a relationship with a person who will never take ANY responsibility for anything in the relationship and thus would not make a suitable partner anyway.

I have talked to many a male who, when I asked them if they would dump a woman if she had sex too soon either laughed or gave me a perplexed face and said "WHY would I dump the girl if I liked her just cause we fucked? That dosen't make sense".

Now I am happily engaged to a wonderful man, and am so glad to be off the dating scene. I remember how I had previously spent so much time fretting over "oh my God he's going to dump me after we have sex? Should I wait 7 months..." "how long should I wait to be on the safe side" and on and on. LOL after our first time I still was expecting him to suddenly grow cold on me or dissappear, but he didn't. Why? Because:

1. He wasn't on some committment phobic BS
2. He was genuinely interested in me, and not just saying nice things to fuck me
3. He was relationship minded. He was in it for more than just some pussy.
4. He was a mature, level headed guy NOT into playing games

My advice is only to wait so that you can make sure that the guy you are dating is a MAN and not a childish boy (and there are PLENTY of Wolves in sheeps clothes!) who would sleep with you and toss you out. If you're SURE hes not a game player or a FLAKE (the ones that say "I love you" and other things prematurely as a "log in" to your pants) and you feel comfortable being intimate, do what comes naturally, and don't feel guilty about it! Do not deny yourself sleeping with him on the principle ALONE that you have to wait "this many months". If a guy really likes you, he will be with you whether you fuck or don't. If his behavior DOES change after sex then do not blame yourself, 9 x out of 10 it has more to do with him than you!

New dating rule for an older guy

I won't seriously consider dating a woman who has a lot of hangups about sex. Since I have had my children, since I can cook and clean and make a living for myself, you bring nothing to the table I need in the traditional sense. Hell, most women can't or won't cook a decent meal anymore and are as a general rule clueless in regard to the domestic arts. If you have a lot of hangups about sex before we are monogamous, I pretty much see the writing on the wall after we have been together for a while. You might not like it, but sex is important to men, yes actually, it IS mostly about sex. Now that we are all well educated as to the dangers of unprotected sex, STDs and birth control, I don't see the problem. Your pussy is not the only one in the universe and it isn't plated with gold. If you won't have sex with a man, one of your slutty sisters around the corner will.

Even great sex can end in post-coital blues

Q: I’m male, 33, and wonder why the majority of times after sex with a chick I feel depressed. It could be the greatest sex ever, but afterwards I'm depressed and can’t wait to get away from her. As soon as I’m back in my car and on the road I feel better. Any insights?

Read the answer

Top 10 Jackie Chan Fight Scenes

Saw Forbidden Kingdom, it was alright. A little bit too Karate Kid meets the princess bride...

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** NEW ** The Dark Knight (2008) - Theatrical Trailer 3 HD

Want your ex-boyfriend back? [Unfortunately] I can help.

So, I've recently come to the realization that I possess a remarkable skill. I have the ability to reconnect women with ex-boyfriends that broke up with them. Now, some of you might be saying "Hey, that's pretty cool! How do you do that? I could make millions, or at least I could use that to trick women into sleeping with me!". Let me tell you, it sucks! The last three "girlfriends" I've had have all had their ex-boyfriends contact them shortly after starting to date me!

It took about a month and a half after we began dating for the first girl's ex to reconnect with her. And I really liked her (and he is an abusive asshole, she deserves so much better). Man did that suck. With the second girl, it took about three and a half weeks for her guy to come back (he was supposed to have left the freaking country!). I really liked her too. The third girl, it took her ex literally two days to contact her after our first date (and they had been apart for over five years!).

So, I appear to be getting better at this. Not only can I get you your boyfriend back within a few days, I can bring him back from incredibly unlikely circumstances. Have you been pining over an ex? Want him to give you a call? Perhaps he moved to Russia 12 years ago, got married, has 7 children, and you haven't heard from him since. No problem! One dinner and a movie with me and he'll likely be waiting on your doorstep when I drop you off.

Now, I haven't had a chance to properly test this, but I suspect that my skill works much better if we sleep together. Now, this might not be absolutely necessary, but you do really want to see your ex again right? Why risk it.

Lakers are rolling towards another championship

Randy Newman - I Love L.A.