Dear Hot Chicks,

Hi, my name is Tim, or Joe, or Sam. Though we haven't had a formal introduction I'm sure you know me, or at least what I represent here. I'm fat guys. I'm nerdy guys. I'm short guys, bald guys, dorky guys, old guys, weirdos. Hobos, and guys without great jobs, cars, or clothes. I just wanted to take a second to talk to you about something very important to me, something it doesn't seem that you realize:

If you are physically attractive and dress in such a way to grab the attention of attractive males, you will also grab the attention of us unattractive males.

I'm sorry you're attractive though I am not. Believe me, it is probably as hard for me as it is for you. It isn't like I didn't sometimes wish I was some hot dude with whom you would make out at some shitty party with bad music. But just so you know, you were showing a lot of cleavage on the escalator at Barnes and Noble today and even though I wasn't the guy you wanted to attract, I like boobs just like he does. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not the creepy guys. I know how to look at some boobs without staring or showing up in your driveway, but if you catch me checking you out please don't look so pissed off. What if I knew some hot dude and was about to point him in your direction but changed my mind because now you seem like a bitch? Bet you didn't think of that while buying that short skirt did you?

Please don't think I'm asking you to become the chick in the bar who is a little ugly and past her prime who wants any and all guys to stare at her and have endless conversations about sexuality like that one time in college when she totally made out with some chick at a party and a whole bunch of frat guys got boners. I'm just saying, if you go fishing don't get mad if you catch a boot, or a tin can, or even maybe some seaweed.

David Gray - Babylon

Love

The important thing was to love rather than to be loved.
W. Somerset Maugham, 'Of Human Bondage', 1915
English dramatist & novelist (1874 - 1965)

I'm Done With All Ya

Here is my list of greivances against women.

Not Admitting That You Are Only Interested in NSA Sex.
Listen. It takes a lot of effort to build and maintain a healthy, honest relationship with any person of any gender, no matter how great they are. If you just want to fuck, just say so. I may or may not be interested. Don't meet my friends, spend time cuddling (now a banned activity), or talking about life, the universe, and everything with me if all you really want is some dick up in ya. Don't show interest in my life, and breed interest in your own only to tell me a few weeks or months down the road that you are "just not into a relationship." My special attentions are(were) reserved for special people, not fuckholes.

Golddigging.
Wether you realise it or not, most of you are golddiggers. How many months salary for that diamond ring that you expect to get eventually? And what do you give in return? Maybe a blowjob. Maybe, maybe, maybe a begruding attempt at anal. Gee. Thanks. Look, you girls want a guy with money. More than you have. Admit it. You want to travel the world. Own property. Own a nice car. Own handbags and lots of shoes. You may be OK with getting these things for yourself, but a guy who can buy these things for you skyrockets past every one that can't unless he's Ted Bundy. So, those of use guys who have to make our own ways in the world with no inheritances or mamma and da-da's to provide us with stable little nesteggs (or hell, even a year or two of free rent in our adult lives) are kind of screwed.

Speaking of Begrudging Attempts at Anal
"Oh, go ahead, just stick it in and get it over with." A girlfriend actually said this to me once. I have never been a person to nag a woman with requests for anal. I've never even asked for it. She asked me why guys are so interested in it and I tried to explain. It's more about, in an intimate setting, allowing your entire body to become a sex organ, overcoming shame, and trusting one another. A combination of relaxation and overpowering arousal. Don't patronize my sexuality.

Blowjobs & handjobs
should be sloppy, noisy, and willing to finish the job. Not this "suck suck, oh my jaw" crap. I made sure to learn how to give good head. I give DAMN good head. I'm not afraid of your bodily fluids. I dive in and grab a snorkel if I need air. Let go of this bullshit femenist rhetoric and learn to worship the cock or become a lesbian.

Your Friends' & Family's Relentless Scrutiny
Oh my fucking god I am tired of having to prove myself to your friends and families. (straight) Men's friends and families don't require this. They are just happy that we may have found someone whom we have a chance with. Seriously. You bitches need to learn to put your friends in line when they shit talk the guy you're seeing. They will do that to every guy you date. Especially if they are divorced or single. You have no idea how stressful this is, and no respect for my going through this.

Materialism
You are. Look at your handbag.

Bisexuality
You aren't. It just makes you feel popular. You're confused because you don't realize how much this has been used as a marketing tool to sell things to men.

The Toilet Seat
You fucking put it up. When I walk into the bathroom, the first thing I do before I unzip is look at the toilet seat. Is it where I want it to be? No? Then I move it. Grow the fuck up.

Criticism
Look in the mirror. Rate yourself 1 - 10. The closer you are to 10, the less honest people will be with you about what a cunt you are. Realize this. Aknowledge this. This causes you to have a skewed vision of the world and your place in it. Figure it out.

You Are a Protected Species
Men protect you because they want to fuck you. Women protect you for the solidarity of the sisterhood. Your employer promotes you so that you won't sue him for not, or because she wants to "even the odds." The world is put on a curve so that you can advance and become "equal", meanwhile on the other side of that curve are men who have to work twice as hard, in jobs that you'd never want, with little or no recognition, as they LOSE stake in this world, without the balance of women who are willing to support them in the interest of "evening the odds."

I'm done with all ya, because you are crazy, deluded, and have priviledges that you don't even begin to aknowledge. Porn is cheaper, more consistent, and less demanding.

Linkin Park - Breaking The Habit

It was just a moment ago

Adele Invergordon: Ten years and not one single, solitary word from you? You don't do that to someone you love! I deserve better, I deserve some correspondence of some indication of how you felt! Junuh, I don't know what happened to you... but whatever it was... it couldn't have been as unbearable as a woman waitin' with no end in sight... Wonderin if she's, remembered or forgotton by the man she loves... You never even said you were sorry... And now I'm supposed to just run into your arms and melt like butter on a hot muffin?
Rannulph Junuh: I'm sorry Adele... I am, truly sorry...
Adele Invergordon: It's too late for 'I'm sorry' Junuh!
Rannulph Junuh: But - Then - Well, tell me what to say... It was too long ago...
Adele Invergordon: No it wasn't... It was just a moment ago...

Anyone need anything?

OK. I'm doing penance and showing contrition. Anyone needs anything - a question answered, a formal apology, a ride to the airport - now is the time to ask.

You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want. - Zig Ziglar

I'm really gonna try...

Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying

Retirement?

Well, at the very least, a break.
These last few months and especially these past couple weeks have wore me out. I'm racking up a body count and not getting any closer to what I want. So, a big thank you to all the wonderful ladies that I shared time with. I apologize for any harm that I may have done. It was fun and I hold no grudges. I'm just going to work on myself for awhile.
Thank you and good night.

POISON "Nothin But A Good Time"

Still holding out hope

Adventures of Ford Fairlane

Lt. Amos: You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women...
Ford Fairlane: You got to admit those are pretty good reasons...

Ford Fairlane: Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.

Back In America

Pizza delivery girl

So after about 2 years of being a pizza delivery girl, I’m fed up!

1. First off, lets put in a simple fact: Pizza delivery is considered a hazardous job by the US government. They are third most likely to be murdered on the job, right after police officers and taxi drivers. Myself being a 22 year old female, that risk is approximately 5 times greater. Although I’m not in the US, Canada has plenty of latent axe-wielding maniacs, disgruntled computer geeks that haven’t stepped out of their house in months, crazy cat ladies, pig men, and other potentially dangerous creatures. That brings me to my next point…

2. If I drive 10 km out of town to your trailer park, and you open the door in a sleeveless plaid shirt, and then ask me to come in, don’t get offended if I don’t. Don’t get offended if I take off running either. You might be a decent guy, but I’ve seen enough cliché axe murderer movies to know better.

3. Chances are, though, if you’re the creep in the plaid shirt living in the trailer park, I will probably like you a lot more than that family in the mansion in the most affluent part of town. Because, you, scary redneck friend, are probably going to tip me close to 30% of the order. Whereas foreign mansion family will end up giving me a 20 on a $19.80 order and generously tell me to keep the change. Ever wonder how some people can afford to live in a 6500 sq ft house with a swimming pool? They don’t tip.

4. That brings us to tipping. To the lady that asked me if I was in school, and upon my affirmative reply gave me a quarter, and said “I know how hard it is to be in school and work so hard” – Thanks!! You were pretty young too, and of course living in one of those mansions. I thought you’d know better. To the guy who told me I was really cute for a pizza delivery driver and left me no tip – thanks!! My cuteness won’t pay for nursing school. To the Korean broad that waited for me to count out the nickels and dimes and then got mad because I don’t carry pennies and thus couldn’t give exact change( 3 more cants), who then called my boss and told him she was “lipped off” ( think she meant ripped off) – Fuck you!

5. If you tell me you can’t afford to tip when I get there, you can’t afford delivery.

6. If you can’t afford delivery charges, you can’t afford delivery. To that guy who called the pizza place and asked us to deliver 2 towns over (we’re in Coquitlam, he was in maple ridge) and asked us to take off the delivery charge too because he can’t afford gas for even himself: Fuck you, you selfish prick. Clearly you know the price of gas these days, and you’re probably smart enough to know that the petroleum pixies don’t come and fill my tank every night, so don’t tell me it’s my loss when I refuse to deliver to you.

7. Lets put down some blatant honesty: I’m not hot. I can maybe pull off cute on a good day, so I don’t know why I suddenly transform into a goddess when I come to your door with food. Clearly you’ve been watching way too many pornos.

8. #7 goes double for rainy days. Apparently runny makeup and flat hair mixed with pizza are major turn for the lazy Dom asses of Coquitlam. No I don’t need a towel. No I will not come in to dry off. I can’t give you my number. What? No, really, I’m not into that.

9. Don’t get mad at me if we made a mistake on your pizza. Chances are you knew we were going to make a mistake if you check the pizza at the front door. Also, most of the high school kids I work with don’t have a clue as to what a quadrant is… “I want pineapple in quadrants 1 and 2, and ham in quadrants 1 and 4 and half of quadrant 3 with pepperoni” Gimme a fucking break!! . And who the hell orders pizza in quadrants anyways?

10. Don’t get mad at me if your pizza is 45 minutes late. I was trapped on some guy’s front porch while a bear was sniffing around my car that now permanently smells like a pizza. Yes, a bear. And don’t act surprised, we live in the middle of fucking nowhere. And don’t leave me no tip me because I’m “a liar”. If I wanted to swing by a friend’s house on my way to your place, I’d say I was caught in traffic, or something more believable than a fucking bear!

11. Speaking of traffic… The neighborhood where I work is predominantly foreign (I wont say what nationality but you can probably guess where bad drivers that happen to be non-tippers come from). So if I’m late because a hummer that has “environmental consultants” written on it (ah, how I love cliché’s) runs a red and almost kills me, pardon fucking me if I have to pull over for a few minutes to collect myself, thus making your pizza 4 minutes later than the promised time.

Eating a Healthy Diet

One of the important things you can do for your overall health is to eat a healthy diet. Your diet affects your weight and increases your risks of health diseases. Deciding a healthy diet is easier to say than to do because it is tempting to eat less healthy foods. Different people decide different healthy diet because you might eat this kind of diet while others just cannot stand the food you eat and find its alternative. That’s what health experts are here for, to let us know which food are healthier than others.

What are the principles of healthy eating?

Know What Healthy Food Is and How You Should Eat

When pursuing a healthy eating plan, you should remember the following:

1. Try and Eat a Variety of Different Colored Food - You should remember that different foods have different nutritional values. Food can be rich in antioxidants or Vitamin C. So, when you go to do your regular weekly shop, try and see what different colored foods you can pick up.

Down the fruit and vegetable aisle you should see greens, yellows, oranges and reds. You should have as much of a color variety in your trolley as you can. For example, when picking out fruit pick up strawberries, oranges, pineapple, apples, blueberries and bananas and you will notice what a large color selection you actually have. The same goes for vegetables. Basically, more color means that it is better and healthier for you.

2. Eat Foods from All Food Groups - The problem with many diets these days is the fact that they tell you to cut certain foods from certain food groups, out of the diet altogether. This means that you lose important nutrition and don’t eat as healthy as you could be. So, the answer to a healthy diet is to eat a variety of different foods.

Generally, fruit and vegetables should make up the main portion of your diet but you still need carbohydrates such as potatoes, meat or fish and a little bit of fatty foods like flaxseed oil which many experts recommend as part of a good fat diet. Overall, a diverse mixture of all food groups is needed for a healthy diet!

3. When You Need to Eat Snack, Do It on Healthy Foods – It doesn’t mean that just because you want to lose weight, you’ll have to skip your snack. In fact, snacking can actually be quite good for you just as long as you are eating the right foods.

Generally, when we want to eat snack, we reach for a biscuit or a packet of crisps. However, if you want to eat a healthy snack, then you will have to swap those for nuts, seeds or fruit and vegetables. That way you will get energy, you will also be full until your next meal time and it will be completely healthy.

Since you know what foods you like and what you don’t, you really have to decide for your own healthy eating plan. However, the said tips above can help you to choose the best healthy eating plan for you.

It can always be worse...

Tyler Durden: It could be worse. A woman could cut off your penis while you're sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car.
Narrator: There's always that.
Fight Club

Daily Taurus Forecast

Honing your courtship skills is an important task for you now -- listen a bit more.

HAHAHAHA!

Women are E V I L

St. Elmo's Fire

Kirby: There are several quintessential moments in a man's life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you.

IMDB Entry

Tramp stamps!

Daily Taurus Forecast

You have far more options than you realize at the moment, so take your time and look everywhere before reaching your final decision. If you're feeling any pressure, that's a sign to slow down.

After party video

My finest hour!

(OK. Really about 2!)

So Big Black from MTV is in town, hosting some event at a local club. I had actually seen him leaving Tens earlier in the evening.
Now around midnight I get a call to pick up at Tens. OK, great usually a good call. So I pick up this "dancer" and start to take her home. And to make small talk I mention that I had saw the BB guy coming out of there earlier. And she says

"Yeah, he gave me his cell number. I'm suppose to go over for his after party."

So I get alittle bit excited and mention how my daughter watches the show and that she should get me an autograph. And she comes back with

"Maybe. I'm not really sure if I should go..."

Now I'm not concerned with this girls virtue. I'm thinking I could score big (haha) with my daughter. So I pester her all the way home about how she should go, and maybe even take me with her! So we get to her place, and I give one last pitch. And she comes back with

"Well, why don't you come in. I will see how I feel and maybe get changed..."

So ofcourse I agree. Thinking only about getting a autograph or maybe even some pictures for my little girl. Well, good news/bad news. I didn't get anything from Big Black, but atleast I had an enjoyable time. So I guess my charm can still rise to the occasion when I put forth the effort! And I even got to try out my new picture phone. Other shots available upon request.

Daily Taurus Forecast

Big changes are coming, but you shouldn't be in a hurry to see them. Wait.

Anatomy of the Pelvic Exam

I admit, sometimes its tough being a girl...

You arrive on time. You’re grumpy.

You sign in, and sit down in the waiting room. If it’s your general practitioner’s office; there is always some old person hacking up a lung next to you, or some kid with a runny nose pawing every single outdated magazine he can get his grubby little hands on. If it’s your ob/gyn office; there are two other women there, one is so pregnant she looks like she’s going to pop, and the other one is glaring at her. You fill out a page or two, and then read your magazine. You wait.

Promptly (after about 40 minutes), an exhausted looking nurse in scrubs pokes her head out from the doorway and calls your name. You are led into the back, where you are put into a tiny exam room, and handed an over-washed blanket with frayed edges and a paper device, which you discover is a small vest that serves no purpose. You undress completely, tug on the paper vest, which does nothing to cover your breasts unless you hold the sides there. The linoleum is cold and sticky—you put your socks back on. You are told to sit on the table—so you do, annoyed by the paper sticking to your butt. You drape yourself with the blanket… You wait.

The nurse comes back in, leaving the door wide open long enough for everyone at the records desk to see you sitting there in your paper vest and your blanket, your socked feet poking out from beneath. Dignity is everything here. The nurse puts the blood-pressure sleeve on your arm, and nearly severs your limb off she pumps it up so high. She asks you to stand on the scale, impatiently waiting for you to somehow cover yourself with the blanket. All necessary data acquired, she swoops out again, making sure the door is nice and wide open so that the patients walking by on their way out get a really good look as you try, bare-assed, to get back onto the table and to sit on the crinkly paper… You wait.

After what seems to be an eternity; and you’ve pretty much memorized the drug-company advertisements on the walls, and you’ve swabbed your ears with a couple of the huge q-tips they have there, the doctor bursts in, clipboard in hand. Never once, do they make eye contact with you, they ask questions, scribble, and then start the mechanical process of turning the innocuous examination table to an instrument of torture. The stirrups are raised, the giant spotlight is turned on, and you are told to lie back… and get this… relax. You feel your legs being lifted and your heels being jammed into the stirrups. The rolling stool is pulled up, the doctor then has a tray of items brought in from the commercial freezer they keep in the back, and the spotlight is shone directly on your badge of womanhood.

Mask on, the doctor ratchets up the vagina-jack. The moment you feel the cold metal on your personal property, you stiffen. After being told to relax again, and you feel like the edge of each duckbill must be sharpened by Ginzu. The doctor’s hand then reaches up, and uses the ancient martial arts move called the ‘touch of immense discomfort’ which they are trained extensively to use at medical school by ninja masters. They poke your belly a few times, and you stiffen, express your annoyance as politely as possible which they promptly dismiss with a mumble. They then reach for the implements they need to tinker around inside you like a mechanic. One quick finger up the anus, and voila. They’re done… some scribbling, with your hoohoo in the spotlight, you lay there and wonder… you wait.

The doctor then turns off the light, and you are allowed to lower your legs, and they promptly advance on you with hands akimbo. Some painful pokings and squeezings and gropings of your breasts, and there is further scribbling. With a slight whoosh of air, you find yourself suddenly alone… the door slowly closing, a tiny south-American woman pushing a laundry cart smiles at you as she walks by. You feel like you should have at least been bought a dinner somewhere nice… You wait.

The nurse comes back in and tells you to put your clothes back on. You may go, she says. She gives you a raggedy looking towelette to remove the KY from your nether regions. You dress quickly, and escape. Good times were had all around.